Make it up, break it up, what do you care

how i almost killed myself

2006-03-28T07:52:10Z

so i'm on this whole "going to the gym and 'working out'" thing, right? well, i decided to also take a supplement to help the working out. It's called Ephedra and it's suppose to be illegal but they sell it at max muscle. so of course i get it and i took some.

NOTE TO SELF READ THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BACK OF THE BOTTLE CAREFULLY. FOR FUCKS SAKE!

the perty little detail that i did not read was: DO NOT TAKE BEFORE WORKING OUT.

riiiiight. so totally did not do that. I take a pill and go to the gym. wellllll 35 cardio mintues later i'm HAVING A FREAKING HEART ATTACK. but not really, but i'll be honest it should have been a heart attack.

my heart rate was at a steady ohhhhh 198, suppose to be at oooohhh a steady 160-70 !!MAX!!.

so now i have to be careful when i go to the gym again to NOT KILL MYSELF.

honestly.

i'll be honest

2006-03-26T17:03:35Z

whyyyyyyyyyyyyy did i drink that much?!

shitty to the umpteenth power.

totally foul and offensive

2006-03-21T18:00:04Z

hands down, work yesterday was the easiest thing of my life- and a good thing too.

Yesterday early afternoon the ovens overheated at work. So the effect was the sprinklers going off and contaminating the food and having to fix a bunch of stuff.

Before work I went with Desi to try and find dresses for Meri's wedding, and in the parking lot of the mall we proceeded to hot box her car. BOMBED. like wow. Steamrollers are THE SHIT to smoke out of. if you dont have one (and you smoke) then you totally fail in life and have never experience the feeling of being high. So go get one, NOW.

So I arrive for my shift at 4:30 loaded off my ass, and everyone is just chillin' waiting for things to get fixed and the resturant to re-open up. Yeah well, that whole re-opening thing never happened. Instead we all sat around, played poker/watched south park/march madness/truth or dare (i know, how juvenille). And then I left at 7:30. I GOT PAID TO DO THIS. FUCK. YEAH.

and then went home and made creation drinks because while at work I sat at the bar staring down all of the alcohol willing it to just jump into my tummy. And since that failed i just went and got some alcohol.
Bluberry Puckers+Apple Puckers+Vokah+blended = fun for the whooooole family.

and then i got POUNDED for the next two hours.
plus this morning before class.

:-)

life is good. and simple.

bathtub_riot @ 2006-03-12T18:10:00

2006-03-13T02:13:46Z

why was the coolest part of my weekend when I got high with derek's stepdad?! actually that moment is in close first with sleeping with derek in his bed. Why would that be a highlight? Cause I was the first girl to ever sleep in his bed. It's his bed of innocence. Too adorable!!!

a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying

2006-03-10T15:03:38Z

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is medium.
You probably have had a couple significant loves.
And you may have even had your heart broken.
But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people.

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is low.
This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..
It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test

hey it's not even 7am and i've been up for an hour. totally un-chinaesque. score!
So I started my new job at macaroni grill and i've already seen my art history professor. she came in to eat last night, and that wasn't awkward or anything. I was like "ummm... so do i write down your first name or...?"
I hate working in resturants, i'll be honest with you. I'm already getting sick of working at my NEW job.

gaysauce note: macaroni grill time is 10 minutes ahead. so apparently they think they can fuck with time and have their live be 10 minutes faster than everyone. too bad the world doesn't revolve around them. kay!

sooo, my sister might be getting a new car...and if i can swing things my way, i'll be able to have her car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then i'd have a car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hopefully i'm not the only one really fucking excited about that idea.

bathtub_riot @ 2006-03-07T09:52:00

2006-03-07T17:54:16Z

:-( Panic at The Disco is playing tonight at the Fillmore and I have to work.

example 1 of why life sometimes sucks.

I have work at 11 am and had class at 9:30 but I woke up at 9 and got to school late so now i'm not in class but the computer lab.

example 1 of why I suck.

"Cause I'm a Mac Daddy"

2006-03-05T23:28:19Z

"Running Scared" is a great movie. Best one this year, my opinion. There are just some good scenes and overall really fucking cool. MmmmMMmm Paul Walker. mmmm.

Who got a 99% on their Art history test? Oh yes, that's right, ME.

"i love you."
"you dont love me. you just love my doggie style."
"yes, that too."

My sister is getting married in a month and i'm throwing her bachlorette party. so have to pay for that, plus paying off a bill, plus getting a dress for the wedding, plus paying rent. WOOOOOOOOO! Mo money mo problems. scratch that. it's more like: Mo problems no money.

love love love

and this is me killing time

2006-02-28T19:31:06Z

Today is my last day of work at Marie Callenders only to start working again at Macaroni Grill (much better pay) on saturday. I hate resturants. More specifically, I hate working in them. But the real source of my hate is money and the fact that it is so common, so hard to come by, and so necessary when out on your own.

Came home to the most beautiful sunflowers the other day. :-) I asked why he always gets me flowers and he relpies "I buy the flowers that make me stop and apprectiate their beauty, and when that happenes it makes me think of you."
I feel loved and in love and unworthy of such a great thing.

I have two exams this week. one tomorrow that i am totally ready to kick ass on, and one on thursday that I am totally ready to get my ass handed to me on.

It's raining like fire and brimstone outside. It was sunny and cheery this morning and then when i got out of class I am greeted with the fury of mothernature. I love when the weather caters to my changing moods. Even though it is purely coincidence, it makes me feel important and slightly god-like. I'm happy! (cue sun and chirping birds) Now I'm brooding and feel mad and anxious. (cue fury of mothernature previously mentioned)

i seems like mostly everyone is doing really well lately. in friends entries that I've been reading I read about how they are in great realtionships and are in love and just very happy. I like knowing that many other people are feeling the same. The loop has started and everyone is making sure they're a part of it this year. Get in while you can. :-)

I want to see people that I haven't seen in awhile. Those that come to mind: sam, anthony, alyse. .

hmm, maybe i can remedy that.

hokay. must study.

To see you when I wake up, is a gift i didn't think could be real

2006-02-22T00:40:55Z

After a rough two months (in some aspects) I am finally recuperated (...?) and ready to attack all things head on. Woop!
I'm thankful to have friends (Fran) who are always by my side in tough times. I'm sorry that I couldn't make it down when you got your teeth pulled! I was going to walk but Derek wouldn't let me.

Today was the first day all semester that I missed a class because I slept too late. whoops. But I cleaned my room and made it all perty like, and did laundry, and then laid down. I find the last one extremely productive.

I am now at derek's place using the internet to do some research and chillin' with his parents.
Unfortunately he is teaching class. As a surpriseI cleaned up his room for him. Yeah I'm sometimes not normal but I dont mind.
His parents have these two yapper dogs named Leonardo and Anjelina. Yeah I'm in love. They're puppies and I dont have one so I spoil the crap out of them whenever I'm over. <3

This weekend consisted of Captain and Coke, Jeger bombs, and Dominos mothafucka!

I took Derek to Sacramento yesterday. Walked around old sac, the mall, and then out to rio linda to meet John and Nancy. I was nervous that they would say something and embarrasss the crap out of me, but all went smoothly and they love him. *thumbs up*
the only major disappointment was not being able to meet up with Sam. :-(

Life is making me happy right now. Compared to last year I am in a much better place. I'm actually attending classes and succeeding in them. I have healthy relationships in all aspects (friends, parents, lover). I have Derek who helps me in many ways, is a best friend, and a lover. I live with family and I have a beautiful niece.
Yeah, I'm happy.

Cosmological Argument

2006-02-16T19:51:31Z

Some things are caused.
Nothing causes itself (for it would have had to have existed prior to itself).
So if A is caused, there is a distinct and prior B that causes A.
SO if B is caused, there is a distinct and prior C that causes B. . .
This regress cannont proceed backward in time infinitely (if it did, there would be no explanation of how the whole series of patio-temporal event exists).
Therefore, there was a first cause that is not subjected to the laws of causation, space, time, etc. - call is God (or the universe or Fred or whatever)
It is not spatio-temporal, it is not effected by the laws of the unverse.

does there have to be a first moment of it? it is not clear that there had to be a first moment of time and space.
Hinduism (Non-Dualism): The Dance of Shiva creates the universe, at the end of the dance- the univerise is destroyed. This cycle goes on ad infinium.

- Everything in the universe is dependent on something else
- there has to be 1 thing not dependent on something

some things in the universe might not have existed. - they are contingent
for any such thing, there is some time at which it does not exist.
so, if all things might not have existed, then there is some past time at which nothing exists.
if there were a time at which nothing existed, then nothing would exist now.
Something cannot come from nothing(ness).
So, there is something which exists nesessarily and depends upon nothing else - call is God ( a necessary existant).

Every being is either dependent or self-existant.
Not every being can be dependent
Therefore,
There is a self-existant being.

A series of dependent beings need not, itself, be dependent.
The fact that each individual requires a cause does not entail that the whole series requires a cause.

Why does the universe exists? Because one moment of time was caused by a previous moment of time, and the time before that was caused by a previous moment of time . . . ad infinitum?
If each member of the series is explained, then the series is explained?

This does not explain why dependent beings exist at all. Why the universe was caused.

It is not clear that every fact must have an explanation. Perhaps there are brute facts.

is the cosmological argument sound?

bathtub_riot @ 2006-01-23T19:42:00

2006-01-24T03:45:35Z

so I signed up to take a Modern dance class at Delta this semester for the heck of it. I had my first class tonight and it's seems like it's going to be a pretty cool class. She gave us a handout of extra credit stuff that we can do and so guess what i get to do?!

I'm taking a master's class with Alvin Alley on Feb. 12th!!!! fuck yeah buddy.

bathtub_riot @ 2006-01-02T23:03:00

2006-01-03T07:06:42Z

OMG TOMORROW IS THE 3RD AND A NEW SEASON OF SCRUBS STARTS.AHHHHHHHHHHH EVERYONE BE EXCITED WITH ME

i think you're just what i needed

2006-01-03T06:58:46Z

you know that saying.. (something along the lines of) 'she chnages her men like she changes her underwear'?

well it might honestly hold true for me, or it would appear from the outside.

john is over with. it started to seem like more of a friendship than a serious relationship so i called it quits and to just be friends. he was suprisingly okay about it. a little down and out but it's better this way.

i'm now seeing derek. it's not a rebound thing though. i truely, honestly, adore this boy. for new years he took me to seattle. !!! It was such an amazing weekend. he treats me so good, and we click so well. now that i look back on it, it was so natural that this happened. we were always good friends and i could talk to him about anything. we communicate so well and it makes it really easy.

friday: we left stockton at 8am and headed on out for a 14 hour drive. we went up interstate 5, stopped in Yreka, stopped in Portland (a city which i adore, it's too cute) and then stopped for the night in Longview.

saturday: continued our drive to seattle passing Olympia, Sleater-Kinney, Fort Lewis (where derek was based when he went into the army), Tacoma, and then FINALLY we reached Seattle. we got a hotel room several blocks from the Space Needle. We went all the way to the top and had coffee and we watched the tiny cars down below drive by. Then we went to the Rock & Roll museum where they have Devo's costume that he wore in the music video for 'Whip-It."
Then it was to the Science Fiction Museum which was SO COOL. omglemmetell you. original scripts for Star Trek and Darth Vader's mask and light saber and R2D2 and Alien and Dune and it was pretty fuckin' cool.
We walked all along the warf and then went to this bar where we bought ticktes for the night that wold allow us to come and go as we please in 9 different bars round the square - Pioneer Square. Come 9 pm we start bar hopping and getting flush in the face tipsy. So we decided to take a long jaunt to the Space Needle and watch the fireworks display.

So the place to be for New Years is usually New York, or even San Fransisco... but until you ring in the New Years in Seattle, you haven't seen amazing. They used the Space Needle as a launching pad for the fire works. They would shoot out horizontally from the stem and then vertically from the very top. It was gorgeous. Standing beneth the fire works, starting a new years holding someone i love was an overwhelming feeling.

sunday: Snowqualmie Water Fall. WOOOOOOWWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWW. also, amazing. It was so powerfull and such raw beauty. it was derek's spot he would go to when he was feeling troubled or down and all his worries would just go away for awhile and allow him some piece. for him to share that with me was special.

around 7pm we went to the Tacoma waterfront and had dinner. we walked along the water and talked and just started to unwind from the weekend and relished our last night together with just him and i alone and away from everything we know.

today: left a 7am and didn't stop driving (except for obligatory restroom and food stops) until we reached Stockton at 8:30 pm.
<--- exhausted and sick of being in a car.

now it's back to the same 'ole same 'ole. we'e moving tomorrow and then i have work this week and the classes starting next week. bleh.

i still have a stupid cold and a stupid annoying cough.

i'll have a bedroom tomorrow!!!! YaY!!!!!!

but when we rise it's like strawberry fields

2005-12-29T07:19:49Z

it feels really good to get things figured out. Everything was so hectic the past week that i didn't know which way was up.

but christmas has come and gone and new years is a couple of days away. plans are getting made and broken and new ones are forming only to fall through.. however finally i have a solid plan for new years. Derek is taking me to washington. ! i'm excited to meet his friends and just get to see washington for the first time.

the trip is good but there is a sad part. on the way we're going to stop by and i'm going to see my sister Brandy. everyone falls on hard times but it seems like they never stop for her, the poor girl. Two days ago her son Calvin (my nephew) committed suicide. He was only a year younger than and had two kids.

i'm still kind of in shock. they say they come in three's and i'm nervous about the next one. first my grandfather and now my nephew..

::it's not my time to wonder why::

let

2005-12-18T10:49:05Z

i should have spent the night with my boyfriend, but he didn't call me back. bastard. so what did i do? i got drunk. but not because he didn't call me back. because i shouldn't but i still did. naughty.

i lost something today that i should have never got in the first place. but still, i paid for it so i wish i had it. :-/

kings cup a'hoy! or, it alreday was a'hoyed. i got the kings cup. AHgain.

bad choices. that is what i make. a LOT of bad choices.

bathtub_riot @ 2005-12-14T23:20:00

2005-12-15T07:34:07Z

it's really irritating that i can't seem to look at someone's Myspace page without some fucking song play. I can read what kind of music you like.. i dont need to hear it. thanks.

Tonight has been one big ball of irritation pitted inside of me.

HATE. THINGS.

i get tomorrow off (YaY) bt OH YES. i word on friday. suhweet dude. kill my social life. love you. but wait- i have saturday and sunday off. switch sun. and fri.? yeah?

i'll probably wind up working on friday. :-/ maybe because i should..

....john calling.....................

:-/ helped but didn't help. i wish he weren't feeling so down. :-( but it was nice to talk to him after a trying day.

but puppies make me happy. and so do ginormus chocolate chip cookies.

bathtub_riot @ 2005-12-14T01:33:00

2005-12-14T09:35:45Z

:-/

dont stop, dont stop

2005-12-13T09:39:10Z

i had a kickass weekend. got to get away from things here.

came home this morning.
reasons to never come back, ever:

1) mark wont let my boyfriend come over for beyond stupid reasons.
2) i haven't seen my boyfriend in 5 days. now that i'm home, i could only spend 3 hours with him tonight. not. a. happy. camper.
3)my grandfather died this weekend.
4)my mom is taking it really hard.
5)i'm going to Thailand in January for the funeral.
6)it's ASS. FREEZING.
7)things are so ridiculously dramatic and complicated and stockton is ugly.

this whole john - mark conflict is about to send me though the mother fucking roof. the fact that mark is making this all really difficult is pisisng me off. and it reached it's peak today. it's to the point where i will hardly be able to see john that much and tonight when we were hanging out we got into a conversation where he was basically like "maybe we should think about putting this on pause for a bit..."
not for his sake but for my sake because he see's that this is taxing on me. and that makes me want to cry. those words made my heart sick and i just want to crawl into a ball and wake up when i'm forgotten and i can just get up and go. re-instate myself into life.

:-(

Damn You Forty Year Old Virgin, WORK DAMNIT! WORK!

2005-12-12T02:10:37Z

i hate not being able to work things. le sigh. eventually i'll get over it.

SF is so beautiful weather wise. Home is TITTY FREEZING and SF is a warm spring in comparison. Delicious.

Watching the sunset on the beach = amazing!
this weekend of getting away = so needed

I hung out with lizz last night. Her and her friend Meg. We [me, lizz, meg, and sparky] played kings cup which was actually really fun with such a small amount of people. It was nice to see lizz and to do something for her on her birthday weekend.
Hanging out with friends is nice. [that seems like such an awkward sentence]

okay, time to attempt to get this effer to work.
::shakes fist::

bathtub_riot @ 2005-12-05T10:23:00

2005-12-05T18:29:48Z

i did something incredibly stupid that i will remember for the rest of my life. It was terrifying and mind-altering. It's one of those tings where I was suprised that everyone else's life hadn't changed with me. Even more, that know one knows, or can even tell.

i could go to the gym today but i still feel sick. :-(

I can't WAIT for this weekend. Thursday needs to hurry up and get here.

sleep seems a dream away and a year too late

2005-12-02T11:27:27Z

I'm scared for three months from now. :-/ i dont want to be stuck here by myself. I just might cry. ...scratch that, i WILL cry.

i feel like you keep giving me empty promises. i want to believe you and believe that this time it'll be different. i hate hearing "three weeks from now everything will be so different, i promise you." i can't wait around forever. i'm starting to hate myself for hanging on but i dont want to lose you cause i know that if you kept your promise, three weeks from now things would be so much better. but if it's never going to happen what's the point?
you're making me sad and stressed out and irritated but at the same time happy and comfortable. Sometimes it'll be little things that you do that'll irritate me, and how you're treating yourself is making me sad. But GOD why do I love you? You put your arms around me and any irritation or sadness i feel just goes away. i feel so comforted and content. and when you kiss my next right where my pulse beats makes me melt on the inside. Then there's that look you give me. The Look. And you'll tell me that you love me. And when you play with my hair and i'll catch you staring at me makes me feel wanted.
THIS is why i'm hanging on. You are sooo much better than what you're doing to yourself. You promised me that this time it is for sure.

Some things can never be explained
Why every sky still looks the same
And I wonder how my world would look without you

I want to be selfish.
Please dont let me down.

I went A.D.D. today

2005-11-28T08:53:14Z

I woke up with a headache and did absolutely NOTHING for the first half of the day.

3:00 rolled around and I started cleaning the whole apartment. Then afterwards I went to the gym and swam 50 laps in 20 minutes (good for me, cause I haven't swam in ages)... couldn't breath afterward, took a shower and have just been fidgity since.

John is now getting to see the weird side of me. We were sitting outside and i just kept taping (tapah tapah tapah) my feet and really could NOT stop. John'd put his hand on my leg and i'd stop for about 2 seconds and then start doing it again.
weeiiiird. I dont know what was up with me today. I've just been anxious.

So next semester is starting to shape up and I'm not worried anymore. Tomorrow I shall get the ball rolling and take care of it all. After I have work at 7am. score.

I'm going to attempt to sleep. hopefully I dont tap dance myself off of the couch.

Love is tradgic, Love is bold. . but you will always do what you are told

2005-11-27T08:40:42Z

It's always easier when your boyfriend's parents like you... but mine love me. ::bows:: thank you, thank you. It makes me happy though because it's comfrotable to go over there. John's step mom apparently doesn't talk a lot to anyone (according to him), but she does to me and he says it's a miracle.
Yeah well, I'm a miracle worker. shawing.

The party last night was fun. I wish I could have gotten there earlier, but it all turned out okay. Gettting no sleep was not fun, at. all. I was so dead today that i'm still trying to decided if it was worth it. I slept allllll day. Woke up at 6...
I was stilll tired. I went over to Johns and fell asleep on him. figuratively and literally... yummy. :-) He actually thought we were going to have hang out time. HAHAHAHA. "shhhhh...baby, this is sleepy time."

I can't wait to have my own room (a room).

Derek and I are back to being normal. YaY! After thrusday night's fiasco things are better and that makes me happy. I missed being able to talk to him.

My neck is all sort's of fucked up. yikes.

I still can't figure out when things got all twisted and fucked up in life. Cause maybe if, at the time, I could have recognized the turn pike, I wouldn't have chosen the shitty path.
I guess I just have to believe that come next semester things will be better.

why dont i just throw myself one big pity party? OH WAIT. I AM. :-/

2005-11-23T02:42:40Z

I was sitting in the car and I coughed a couple of times, and then all of a sudden I start throwing up my dinner. AWESOME.

My headache wont go away, everything is starting to stress me out, and I dont know what wrong with me. I cant stop crying and I just want to be wrapped up in comfort and familiarity. Neither of those I feel in Stockton right now.

I'm going back into work tonight at 9. I worked 8 hours this morning and I'm going in tonight to get all the thanksgiving stuff together. I'm excited for the overtime.

"dont pray in my schools
and i wont think in your churches." i saw that on a car today. it made me pause for a second.

bathtub_riot @ 2005-11-22T15:08:00

2005-11-22T15:09:11Z

fuck. work.